Monday, December 13, 2004


This woman is crying and pleading with my attending physician to leave her ovaries intact if she is not going to live very long. She is sobbing. She doesn't want her insides removed if she is going to die anyway. She says it is her life, that it is the only thing she has and that this is her opinion. She has colon cancer and probably metastasies to her ovaries that need to be removed. She is begging us to understand and to listen. My attending physician says he will leave as much as possible while removing the cancerous sections. She is confused and thinks she only has a few weeks to live but she will probably at least live a few more years. She doesn't speak english very well and its hard to understand doctors because they only know how to speak in doctor dialect. They pay very close attention to the detail of each word used for legal reasons. All they can say is that they do not know how long she will live. Its impossible to say right now. We can't see into the future. All we can do is cut you open and take out as much cancer as possible then sew you up and give you chemo and radiation. She says that she is not scared of dying. She just wants her wishes fulfilled. She feels out of control. I guess its frightening to put your life into the hands of others.

I went to the MoMA ( this weekend and discovered vast collection of creative misery and mystery. Do you have to be miserable to create the art of museums? Its hard to name a great artist not a victim of self-torture or self-mutilation or self-destructive drug use. Is confusion the path to artistic genius? Does the struggle just burn stronger in some than others?

Path to enlightenment: I'm serious. I swear I am.


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